Should you have sex with friends?

While friends with benefits (FWB) may sound convenient, tread carefully in these torrid waters. Read the complete manual on FWB, along with the risks involved.

Meet the new-age Indian woman. She's sexy as hell. She's smart. She pays her own bills. And she wants to have sex with you. Just sex, no strings attached. What's the catch? She's a friend. 'As long as she's not related to me, how does it matter?' you think. Because when it comes to sex and relationships, we end up colouring outside the lines anyway. So unfolds a new pact between Venus and Mars: Friends with Benefits.

Yes, if you're bored. You've been playing lap dog for more tears and less sex and even then it's the same monotonous missionary with the same girl. Your balls are tied up on a short leash while mini-skirted beauties pass you by. 'Nuff said. Maybe, if you're drained out.

You're in control.
A rebound's aim is to distract. "If you're fresh out of a relationship, you're looking to numb yourself from the pain," says Indore-based sexologist Dr Mahesh Nawal, MBBS, ACST. "You shouldn't expect the same emotional security you once received. For that matter, you shouldn't have any expectations apart from great chemistry."

Your needs match...
Joanna Grover, 21 was coerced into a relationship for six months by her ex, "because he'd convinced himself that sleeping together would give a shot at a relationship-but he forgot to ask me if I had the same feelings or not." A lot of women and men sleep with their friends in the hope that it will eventually lead to a relationship, says Bhalla.
A US study found that depressed single women were more likely to have more casual sex than happier singles. Depressed people, especially 'women seek out sexual intimacy to make themselves feel more secure,' says Sabura Allen, a clinical psychologist.

You are both horny..
Sex is no longer a dirty crime committed before marriage. When you need it, you need it. It doesn't justify paying for a hooker, which anyway ups your risk of STDs (you still have some self-respect.) "But if she's comfortable with you and vice versa," why shouldn't you give in to your bodily needs?" says Dr Nawal. Practice safe sex-people assume that because this is their friend, they can trust that he or she will not have any disease and therefore may not feel as compelled to practice safe sex, says Justin Lehmiller, a US-based psychologist. What's more 'friends with benefits' are 44 per cent more likely to be polygamous than people who first have sex as committed partners, he adds.

But beware...

You might get attached.

The same US study reported that only 10 per cent of such relationships evolve into romantic ones and more than half developed feelings for their partners at some point in the relationship. And just so you know, it's not only the women. "It's not a free breakfast-ultimately, when your feelings are not reciprocated, the relationship turns sour and you run the risk of ruining a good friendship as well,"

You're wasting money..

It's typically acceptable to go Dutch or take turns to pick dinner tabs when you're friends, but the minute you're in an FWB relationship, things change. Technically you're not dating, so should you be footing the bills for her maintenance? "Chivalry's still not dead, so women would still expect you to pay most of the time, but stop to consider if you're paying for everything!" says Dr Samir Parikh, HOD, mental health and behavioural sciences, Max Healthcare, New Delhi. Hint: When she expects you to fuel her car up every time or get her salon bills.

You can't stay alone..

"If you end up sleeping with the same friend between relationships, you're weakening yourself mentally," quips Dr Nawal. You don't have the propensity to survive on your own. "If she's still waiting for you, then she's clearly more emotionally involved, which is not something you want to face," he says. Nobody wants a whining Siamese twin in an emotionally detached relationship, after all. It'll kill the chemistry and show you as a desperate wannabe who's using her.

You are missing out..

It's like being caught in limbo-both of you are elevated above the position of friends, yet you haven't gained the priority of that 'special someone'. "It's harder for Indian men and women to talk, meet and date strangers-our society just doesn't function as fast as the West," says Dr Nawal. So when you've already found someone, you're cutting into your already limited chances of running into the perfect woman. And when either of you do, the other person loses a bit of that pedestal he or she's been placed on, making them resentful. "Everybody likes a fair amount of attention," says Dr Parikh. "When it's taken away or given to someone else, questions are bound to pop up and invariably you end up being the guilty party."

So, when should you call it quits?..

When the dreaded question arises, "So, where are we?" And if you think, this doesn't happen in an FWB relationship, you're misinformed. "It'll either manifest itself in your head or be brought up by her eventually," says Bhalla. In a US study, more than half the respondents involved in FWB relationships indicated they were consistently asking themselves what kind of a relationship they were in, such as how to make sense of it. Yet, 84 per cent of them didn't initiate any discussion because they felt awkward talking about it, or feared losing a friend, 73 per cent didn't talk about ground rules and only nine per cent could muster up the courage to bring up the topic as jokes. "The topic can be mentally draining, especially when asked by the other party," says Dr Nawal. But if her questions aren't bothering you or messing with your erection: Congratulations pal. You're both well on your way into a relationship.